Thursday, July 26, 2007

ode to my sister

The saddest sound is that of a phone ringing, and the silence of a girl screening her calls on the other end.



asshole.

Friday, July 20, 2007

lost in translation

me : Do you think my French has gotten better or worse since I've moved back to the US?

the frenchman : Could you repeat that dear? I didn't understand a word you said.

Monday, July 16, 2007

MAXIM TELLS LIES

The frenchman broke his foot last weekend in what I imagine to be a sprightly game of tennis. Me being the ever-doting copine, I immediately sent him a care package. Included : one mix cd, a get-well-soon card, stuffed monkey (with our embroidered initials, natch), and the most recent edition of Maxim to – ahem – "encourage" his slowly progressing English. Imagine my horror when I (not easily shocked) read the types of things young men these days are being encouraged to propose to us young ladies.

First off, I didn’t even know what a money shot was. According to the big sister, such naivete is limited to myself. And I certainly was unaware that these "facials," as Maxim so tenderly calls them, were acceptable propositions in the bedroom. Not to mention the anal part. When did the no entry sign on our back door GET REMOVED ?!

Maxim? Anything to say for yourself?

Although big sis proposed I block the offending section out with black marker CIA style, I don't think the frenchman’s vocab extends to back door and ejaculation. Lets hope.


One week later, the frenchman calls to thank me for my ever so thoughtful gift. His foot is healing nicely, back to tennis in less than three months. He has named the stuffed monkey John the Monkey. This is after ruling out Roger the Monkey, Charles the Monkey, and similar takes with our respective names. Yup, that's my boy.

I feel this is an appropriate time to broach what he should not be taking to heart in Maxim. He hasn’t read the offending paragraphs yet, so I attempt to summarize. This takes a while as I’ve not had to describe money shots before in French. But with analogies to gay sex and a hearty laugh to cover any awkwardness, I make my point. To my relief, the frenchman immediately replies with indignation that these acts are disgusting and disrespectful to women.

And then, "but they are kind of sexy, NON?"

But so disrespectful, he would never ever want to offend me in such a manner.

Unless I wanted him to of course.

And so on. Although he did explain that anal sex holds much less allure than the cum-in-the-eye trick (and also doesn’t "Cum in me eye" sound like a pirate come-on ? And I do love pirate themes…).

But seriously, who am I dating and when did he become okay with kinky sex maneuvers that involve pirates ? I mean, money shots.


After ten minutes of this, I tell him that if he brings it up again there will be no sex ever again. And that I hope he breaks his other foot. (kidding)